Still here. Still counting. Almost out of my 'teens'. If my LID was a person, she could legally drink in Ontario.
So....cosmos for everyone!! Only one for me, though. Must keep my wits about me for the next ????? months until Jordyn finally comes home.
I don't like Mother's Day. There. I said it. It's not my day....yet. There's always a feeling of dread. How many more of these will I have to go through until it's my turn? I know it's a 'made up' holiday, a Hallmarkian money grabber, but still. I had my second miscarriage a month before Mother's Day in 2000, and I hated having to still be nice to my mom on that day. I wanted to crawl up in my bed and stay under the covers. I wasn't ready to celebrate my mother that day, because I had so recently lost my child, and my second chance to be someone's mother. (sorry Mom....but you probably understand).
Today I read something I like. It's from someone else's blog, but I can't remember whose (a sure sign that I read too many!) If this is from your blog -- thanks.
This is me, and so many of us:
A Waiting Mother is a mother of a truly special nature.
She waits for her children, day after day, with a tenacity that sometimes defies logic.
She waits for her children, because she knows they are coming, somehow, someway.
She waits for her children, because she has no choice, her destiny is to be their mother.
A Waiting Mother is no less a mother, simply because her children are not here.
She carries her children in her heart, and A Waiting Mother knows, it will only be a matter of time until she carries them in her arms.
Maybe one day.....
I've reached the LID age of majority (in my province)!! Only another 18-24 to go? That's the hope, anyway.
In the meantime, I'm almost finished with my homestudy update. I have to wait until mid-May, because it took that long to get an appointment with my doctor for my physical. I had to get more blood work, etc, and it takes awhile to get results in. I'll be really happy when it's all done and the Ontario Ministry, in all of its wisdom, approves me again.
I hope all is well with everyone in Blogland -- not much else to report!! Waiting for the school year to end...all fellow teachers will be right there with me!
An undisclosed number of years ago, a very special girl was born. She's now an awesome woman, who I wish I got to see more often. Go and wish our friend K1 a very merry birthday!
I had my update with the new Social Worker on Friday and it all went very well. She was really nice, and put me at ease right away. She liked my apartment, liked the baby's room and crib and was generally very encouraging. For the first time with someone "official" in this process, I feel like I have an ally in this mess. While I liked my former SW, my contact with him was sporadic, and really, I haven't talked to him since my homestudy was completed 2 years ago. (Other than to 'break up' with him, that is...) This new SW seems to really value her work in helping to create families and has sent me some recommended reading, as promised. She's basically saying, "Don't stress, it'll all work out".
Nice to hear....I hope she's right.
Well....the monthly post is here. Not even sure why I'm bothering to keep the blog up. I have really nothing to say, or if I do, I'm being too lazy to say it. I'm at 17 months, and I still have at least 24 more months to go....seems a bit ridiculous to keep counting, but I'm compelled to do it.
There is stuff happening. On Friday I have a meeting with my new Social Worker to do my homestudy update. My documents have expired, and my province, in their idiotic wisdom (nope, not bitter) has decided that we need to have things updated. This involves a visit from the SW, updated medicals and police checks and new reference letters. This is all likely no problem, but still causes stress. I have to ask my friends and family to redo the letters that they so kindly wrote 2 years ago. I'm sure they'll say the exact same things, because after all, I'm still the same person and they still support my adoption.
Why a new Social Worker, you may ask? My original guy, who I liked, wanted to charge me $1400.00 for this update. Ridiculous, considering that the original one cost $2000.00. I'm also going to have to do another update after this one expires, as there's no way that I'll get a referral before that happens. If I let the original SW do this, it'd add another almost $3000.00 to my adoption costs. I found another SW who is charging $400.00, which seems a much more reasonable price for a service which doesn't really involve that much work.
This is all insanely frustrating, and frankly, quite humiliating. I've already been approved by my province to adopt. Nothing has changed, yet they need to put me through this scrutiny again. Ah...if only I was a 16 year old crack addict....they'd do everything they could to make sure my child stayed with me, instead of encouraging an appropriate adoption placement with a healthy family. Isn't it an interesting world?
It's 16 months today....nothing really new to report except that my adoption documents are expiring early next month, and I have to get an updated homestudy. No problem. This involves having my social worker do another home visit, updated medical report, updated local police report and recontacting my references. Mind you, none of this information goes to China. It all stays here in Ontario, where presumably in 2 years, when the new documents expire, I'll get to do it all again, as I won't be getting a referral for at least another 2.5 - 3 years. Can we all say 'CASH GRAB' boys and girls???
Nope, not bitter.
15 down. Still trying to be positive, but it's sure not easy. There seems to be no end in sight. I'm thinking of getting back on the 'Fertility A Train', because, what the hell? Might as well, while I'm waiting for Jordyn. If only the Fertility Train was a pleasant ride, instead of a nightmareish roller coaster. Stop it, Cari!! Positive thoughts. Any advice from those adopting who have gotten back on the 'train' would be very welcome!
The latest buzz is that someone with an LID like mine (October 2006) will be lucky to receive a referral in 2011. Gee, that would only make it 5 years from start to finish. No problem.
I have questions: Is the CCAA really going to accept files that are 5 or 6 years old? Will the Ontario government require me to continuously renew my documents? Do I live my life in limbo, or try to truly live?
Well, considering my New Year's vow to live positively, I'm going to put this aside and continue to live. I'm healthy. I'm in love with a wonderful man (so what if I can't marry him for years to come or I won't be able to adopt? Neither of us are going anywhere, and in the grand scheme of things, life is long). I'm happy. I'm employed. Yes, this SUCKS, and I'm angry. But I'm not going to let it make me a negative, bitter person.
A very happy New Year to my bloggy friends! Let's make this year a really positive one....lots of fun, laughter, love, and many speedy referrals for our children.
The waiting is horrible, but this year, I vow to REALLY, REALLY TRY to not let it get me down too much. To not let it beat me over the head and heart. And to not let it overshadow the good things in my life.
14 months down as of tomorrow.....we just keep on a-tickin. And a Merry Christmas for those of my bloggy friends who are celebrating today!
My files are out of review! That means that I'm one teensy step closer to Jordyn. Now, maybe it's only 2 more years to go! Who knew this would be so difficult?
Cue the 'Happy Anniversary' song from the Flintstones cartoon. Come on, you know you know it.
Tomorrow is 12 months since my LID. Has it been a long year or a short one? The last 6 months have gone more quickly, but I attribute it to the glorious distraction of DateBoy. I'm trying to handle the wait graciously, but I fear that I'm failing miserably in that area. Let's see what next year brings.
I miss Jordyn.
It was 11 months on the 26th. Not much to say about it -- it's getting sort of depressing, and a bit ridiculous to count every month, but I'm compelled to do it.
11 months closer.
I went to America on the weekend to meet up with my bloggy friends, Nic and Tim (and the amazing baby Z), and a bunch of new bloggy friends (I don't know how 'anonymous' they are, so for now they'll remain 'fun folk')
We had a great time at the Original Pancake House and I got lots of quality time with baby Z. Another family also had a lovely child, a beautiful girl we'll call 'Cutie'. She was right across from me, and we had lots of fun and jokes. What a sweetie she was!!
It was nice to get away with DateBoy for the day, and talk with others who know what this hellish wait is like.
I haven't written lately...nothing, but nothing, to say. Is this adoption still happening???
I've made it to a decade of months, and actually missed the date! It was on Sunday (today's Tuesday) and I'm feeling a teensy bit of 'mother guilt' at having missed the day. DateBoy tells me this is a good thing...means I'm not obsessing as much as usual! I guess he's right. I probably have at least 20 MORE months to go, so it's pretty frustrating to be going 'Yay!! 10 months!!' and feel like this is an accomplishment.
Well...happy 10 months to me! Let's hope that the next 20 just fly by! (Lame adoption humour....)
I had a lovely surprise today when the UPS guy showed up at my door with a big box!! (Truly, I'm like a 6 year old on Christmas. Well, Hannukah. Let's just say Halloween and split the difference)
This month's theme was 'something personal', which is always a bit tricky!! My SP read my blog and sent great things!! A picnic basket with plates, cups, cutlery, a bottle of sparkling water (she wanted to send wine, but customs laws being what they are, she sent the water!). Can't wait until I can use these things on a romantic picnic with DateBoy!! There were also great snacks for us and gifts for Dexter! The best part of the gift was the little handpainted sign for Jordyn's room. She even wrote a sweet note on the back, about how much Jordyn is wanted and loved.
Thanks SP -- you rock!!!!
Usually, "I love you" are those words that take awhile to say and feel really comfortable with. DateBoy and I are past that part, and we say it, and mean it, all the time. Truly, it had been so long since I had heard these words that I wonder if I'll ever grow tired of hearing them now. I can't imagine getting tired of saying them!
It took us some time to come out with the big "I love you" moment, and DateBoy was braver than I in saying it first. I waited, as I wanted to be REALLY SURE that I meant it, and wasn't rushing into anything. I loved him a long time before I actually said it. I had visions of telling him for the first time in a really romantic setting (you know...candles, wine, gentle music in the background). In reality, I was sort of swept along while we installed a dimmer switch in my kitchen. It's always the little moments, isn't it?
Anyway, I heard words yesterday which were even more precious to me than "I love you". After a long productive day yesterday, sitting in front of the TV, DateBoy said "You're my best friend". Wow....and I realized that it's true and it's mutual. There's no one I'd rather spend time with. There's no one I have as much fun with. There's no one I laugh as much with. Best friends are precious. They're trusted with all of your deepest secrets, hopes, fears, joys and sorrows. Best friends are people you really want to spend time with. Best friends appreciate each other.
I never thought that I'd fall in love again, and I sure didn't think that when I did, I'd be so lucky as to find my best friend. Sometimes the universe is lined up just right.
So...the dreaded 9 months LID arrives, with no baby in sight. The wait grows, as does my frustration and pain at not having my child home with me. Things have been so great for me lately....DateBoy is the most wonderful man ever, and I'm feeling things I've never felt before, nor ever hoped to feel. I'm beyond grateful for this time with him, and excited by what may be to come...
And yet, there's always a bit of emptiness, a bit of my life missing. It's always around this time of month that I rememeber lost babies and imagine what could have been. Allow myself to play the 'poor Cari' game for a few minutes. But then I remind myself to live in the moment as much as possible and to be grateful for the things I have. Incredible friends, who are more like family than family. Good health (and there were times that I didn't have this, so I know how important it is). A career which is fun and fulfilling. Work in the theatre, to satisfy the creative side of my life. DateBoy, who I love so much, and who I know loves me...the most special feeling I've ever experienced. And somewhere in the future...my daughter, who will one day read these blog entries and know how much she is loved and how much her mother is waiting for her to come home.
