GO AND LISTEN!

It's been ages since I've posted....again, nothing much to say. Passed 20 and 21 months LID -- still a teensy bit closer to my little one, but can't really feel it. It's still YEARS away, which is discouraging, but life goes on and is pretty damn good at the moment.
I have great friends, a great place to live, and another 4 weeks until school begins - what could be better?

I know what could be better!! Going to the CBC Hockey Anthem Challenge and listening to my best friend's composition -- it's awesome!!! I'm not sure if there's a way to 'vote' yet, but if there is, please do it, and encourage others to as well....I think this piece of music might just make history!!

19

Still here. Still counting. Almost out of my 'teens'. If my LID was a person, she could legally drink in Ontario.
So....cosmos for everyone!! Only one for me, though. Must keep my wits about me for the next ????? months until Jordyn finally comes home.

Mother's Day is Not for Me

I don't like Mother's Day. There. I said it. It's not my day....yet. There's always a feeling of dread. How many more of these will I have to go through until it's my turn? I know it's a 'made up' holiday, a Hallmarkian money grabber, but still. I had my second miscarriage a month before Mother's Day in 2000, and I hated having to still be nice to my mom on that day. I wanted to crawl up in my bed and stay under the covers. I wasn't ready to celebrate my mother that day, because I had so recently lost my child, and my second chance to be someone's mother. (sorry Mom....but you probably understand).

Today I read something I like. It's from someone else's blog, but I can't remember whose (a sure sign that I read too many!) If this is from your blog -- thanks.

This is me, and so many of us:

A Waiting Mother is a mother of a truly special nature.
She waits for her children, day after day, with a tenacity that sometimes defies logic.
She waits for her children, because she knows they are coming, somehow, someway.
She waits for her children, because she has no choice, her destiny is to be their mother.
A Waiting Mother is no less a mother, simply because her children are not here.
She carries her children in her heart, and A Waiting Mother knows, it will only be a matter of time until she carries them in her arms.


Maybe one day.....

Age of Majority?

I've reached the LID age of majority (in my province)!! Only another 18-24 to go? That's the hope, anyway.

In the meantime, I'm almost finished with my homestudy update. I have to wait until mid-May, because it took that long to get an appointment with my doctor for my physical. I had to get more blood work, etc, and it takes awhile to get results in. I'll be really happy when it's all done and the Ontario Ministry, in all of its wisdom, approves me again.

I hope all is well with everyone in Blogland -- not much else to report!! Waiting for the school year to end...all fellow teachers will be right there with me!

Happy K1 Day!

An undisclosed number of years ago, a very special girl was born. She's now an awesome woman, who I wish I got to see more often. Go and wish our friend K1 a very merry birthday!

Phew!

I had my update with the new Social Worker on Friday and it all went very well. She was really nice, and put me at ease right away. She liked my apartment, liked the baby's room and crib and was generally very encouraging. For the first time with someone "official" in this process, I feel like I have an ally in this mess. While I liked my former SW, my contact with him was sporadic, and really, I haven't talked to him since my homestudy was completed 2 years ago. (Other than to 'break up' with him, that is...) This new SW seems to really value her work in helping to create families and has sent me some recommended reading, as promised. She's basically saying, "Don't stress, it'll all work out".

Nice to hear....I hope she's right.

Happy 17

Well....the monthly post is here. Not even sure why I'm bothering to keep the blog up. I have really nothing to say, or if I do, I'm being too lazy to say it. I'm at 17 months, and I still have at least 24 more months to go....seems a bit ridiculous to keep counting, but I'm compelled to do it.

There is stuff happening. On Friday I have a meeting with my new Social Worker to do my homestudy update. My documents have expired, and my province, in their idiotic wisdom (nope, not bitter) has decided that we need to have things updated. This involves a visit from the SW, updated medicals and police checks and new reference letters. This is all likely no problem, but still causes stress. I have to ask my friends and family to redo the letters that they so kindly wrote 2 years ago. I'm sure they'll say the exact same things, because after all, I'm still the same person and they still support my adoption.

Why a new Social Worker, you may ask? My original guy, who I liked, wanted to charge me $1400.00 for this update. Ridiculous, considering that the original one cost $2000.00. I'm also going to have to do another update after this one expires, as there's no way that I'll get a referral before that happens. If I let the original SW do this, it'd add another almost $3000.00 to my adoption costs. I found another SW who is charging $400.00, which seems a much more reasonable price for a service which doesn't really involve that much work.

This is all insanely frustrating, and frankly, quite humiliating. I've already been approved by my province to adopt. Nothing has changed, yet they need to put me through this scrutiny again. Ah...if only I was a 16 year old crack addict....they'd do everything they could to make sure my child stayed with me, instead of encouraging an appropriate adoption placement with a healthy family. Isn't it an interesting world?

Sweet 16

It's 16 months today....nothing really new to report except that my adoption documents are expiring early next month, and I have to get an updated homestudy. No problem. This involves having my social worker do another home visit, updated medical report, updated local police report and recontacting my references. Mind you, none of this information goes to China. It all stays here in Ontario, where presumably in 2 years, when the new documents expire, I'll get to do it all again, as I won't be getting a referral for at least another 2.5 - 3 years. Can we all say 'CASH GRAB' boys and girls???
Nope, not bitter.

Big Wow

15 down. Still trying to be positive, but it's sure not easy. There seems to be no end in sight. I'm thinking of getting back on the 'Fertility A Train', because, what the hell? Might as well, while I'm waiting for Jordyn. If only the Fertility Train was a pleasant ride, instead of a nightmareish roller coaster. Stop it, Cari!! Positive thoughts. Any advice from those adopting who have gotten back on the 'train' would be very welcome!

Are You KIDDING Me??

The latest buzz is that someone with an LID like mine (October 2006) will be lucky to receive a referral in 2011. Gee, that would only make it 5 years from start to finish. No problem.

I have questions: Is the CCAA really going to accept files that are 5 or 6 years old? Will the Ontario government require me to continuously renew my documents? Do I live my life in limbo, or try to truly live?

Well, considering my New Year's vow to live positively, I'm going to put this aside and continue to live. I'm healthy. I'm in love with a wonderful man (so what if I can't marry him for years to come or I won't be able to adopt? Neither of us are going anywhere, and in the grand scheme of things, life is long). I'm happy. I'm employed. Yes, this SUCKS, and I'm angry. But I'm not going to let it make me a negative, bitter person.

Happy New Year!

A very happy New Year to my bloggy friends! Let's make this year a really positive one....lots of fun, laughter, love, and many speedy referrals for our children.
The waiting is horrible, but this year, I vow to REALLY, REALLY TRY to not let it get me down too much. To not let it beat me over the head and heart. And to not let it overshadow the good things in my life.